Running in the Rain
by KT the Shimmer Skank
Summary: "Lizzie doesn't know what to do. Gee, doesn't that sound familiar? I'm just one big puddle of uncertainty. And it doesn't help that things are always turning out the way I least expect them to." [one-shot]


Warnings: This story is rated R mostly for drug use; there's also kissing, slash (same-sex pairing), and some angst.

Author's Note: This is a strange little ficlet. It starts out as a basic narrative, diving into the psyche of Lizzie as she angsts over high school and changes in life; pretty light-hearted and Lizzie-ish... then the latter half becomes a songfic to Madonna's "Beautiful Stranger" (and it's just perfect for this fic, I tell you) and its more serious. There is a bit of romance towards the end, but I really just don't consider it a romance fic... It's sort of angst, but not really. It's more of journey into Lizzie's head or something. Um... yeah. I don't know what to think of it, but I kind of dig it. I'm quite interested to hear what people think of it, so please review and give me your take on it.

I walked across my room and pushed open the window. My face met a soft, moist breeze through the screen and the sound of rain pounding on the streets below was soothing. There's something about rain. It makes you feel cozy. I always want to go run in the rain, because I love the way it feels and sounds. But the feeling that comes when it's over is what keeps me from doing stuff like that. It's never a good feeling to walk inside, soaking wet. I just wish there was some way to run in the rain without getting wet.

I walked back to the middle of my room, where Kate and Gordo were occupied with a plastic bag of pot and drug paraphernalia that was foreign to me. I sat down on the edge of my bed and sighed, picking up Mr. Snuggles and clutching him to my chest out of habit. I watched the two of them, partially with fear, and partially with fascination. Part of me believed firmly that my mother would walk in any minute. That same part was wondering how in the world I'd gotten myself into this mess.

After our trip to Rome, Gordo and me both agreed that maybe Kate wasn't as evil as we'd thought she was. She had helped us both, and we made efforts to rebuild a friendship. We started hanging out together, and it was remarkable how easily we clicked. It was enough to make me wonder how we ever could have been such vicious enemies. I wondered with amusement what Miranda would think when she came back from her vacation to find that Gordo and I had started hanging out with Kate Sanders again.

By some bizarre twist of conversation, we found ourselves talking one day about getting high. Kate said she had done it a few times at parties, which was something of a shock to Gordo and me. We started asking questions about it. Well, Gordo asked questions; I just sat there and stared at the two of them. Gordo was surprisingly eager about the whole thing, which really threw me off. He was all for the three of us doing it together some time.

It was so... un-Gordo. Then again, there were alot of things about him lately that were un-Gordo. One of the main things was his sudden interest in me as more than a friend. I still didn't know what to make of that. Sometimes I acted like I felt the same way. But other times I tried to pretend like everything was the same as it had always been. It was probably a mistake to do things like that. It was like I was leading Gordo on; it was like I was leading myself on. But I couldn't help acting that way. I just didn't know what to do.

Lizzie doesn't know what to do. Gee, doesn't that sound familiar? I'm just one big puddle of uncertainty. And it doesn't help that things are always turning out the way I least expect them to. Like with Kate, for example. If you had asked me at any point in middle school if Kate Sanders and I would ever be friends again, I would have laughed my head off. And yet here she was, planning to spend the night at my house. Then there was Gordo, who was always making me second-guess myself. Things were changing. We were all changing, and I didn't know what to think of it all.

Kate finished instructing Gordo on the correct way to smoke from the pipe, and he was taking his first puff. I squeezed my fingers tighter into the fuzzy pig in my hands, feeling incredibly nervous as I watched something I never could have imagined I'd be watching.

"Just hold in for a minute before you exhale," Kate said. Gordo nodded and did as she said. By the look on his face, I could tell he was a little annoyed by the fact that Kate had to give him step-by-step instructions. He hated it when he wasn't the know-it-all about something. He exhaled, and coughed quite a bit.

"What do you think?" asked Kate.

Gordo thought for a moment, then nodded with approval. "That was cool..." He paused a moment longer. "Am I supposed to feel anything yet?"

Kate giggled softly. As horrified as I was after what I'd just seen, I admit it was nice to hear Kate laugh. I was so used to seeing only her cruel, frigid side that seeing her act sunny and happy was a wonderful change. "No, not yet. It'll take a few hits... who knows, you may not feel anything at all."

Gordo frowned at her, slightly confused and upset. "What?"

She shrugged as she took the pipe from Gordo's hand and prepared to smoke some herself. "Some people don't always feel it... the first few times I smoked, I didn't feel anything." She laughed again. "I had to pretend that I was high like everyone else, so I that I wouldn't look like a total dirk." She sighed, looking at Gordo and me with a pleased look on her face. "I'm glad I don't have to be around people like that any more..."

Gordo smiled. "We're glad, too." There was a moment of stillness among us. It would have been silent if it weren't for the pouring rain outside. The moment passed, and we pretended like it hadn't happened.

Kate took her turn like a pro, which frightened me in a way. Kate didn't fit my image of the typical pothead, and it was strange to realize that this was something she must have been doing for a long time without anyone being able to tell. "Lizzie, do you want to try?" she asked.

My eyes widened, and my grip on Mr. Snuggles tightened. I suddenly realized that I was holding him, and wondered what a loser I must look like. I tried to discreetly toss him back on the bed. "Um..."

"You don't have to if you don't want to." A few months ago, I never would have expected to hear those earnest words from Kate. But they made me feel good at the moment, because she spoke with a sincerity that let me know it was okay to be freaked out. Gordo had taken the pipe from Kate and was taking his second hit. He held it in, the way Kate had told him, and exhaled slowly. He looked up at me, and his gaze made me nervous.

"No, I'm okay," I said shakily. I looked at Gordo, who looked back at me for a moment before dropping his eyes. His face was unreadable, and for some reason it made me very uncomfortable.

"That's fine," said Kate. The matter was not mentioned again. I felt relieved, and for a moment I was extremely proud of myself. I continued to sit on the corner of my bed as Kate and Gordo smoked some more. Their laughter grew more and more frequent as they smoked, even though they didn't say alot that seemed worth laughing about. Gordo took to rolling around on the floor every now and then, as well as randomly tousling his shaggy hair.

It was interesting to watch. In many ways, it was exactly like the stereotypical "stoner scenes" you see in movies. But at the same time, it was very different from what I would have imagined. They used the words "man" and "awesome," quite often and so much of what they said was incredibly stupid. Nonetheless, they weren't totally gone. For some reason I thought they would be out of their minds, but they were actually pretty down-to-earth.

You know how they're always telling you just say no? How they're always emphasizing the importance of resisting peer pressure? Well, I think there's a hell of alot they forgot to tell us. Like, what if there isn't any peer pressure at all? I did just say no, and I wasn't feeling any pressure at all. And yet, as I watched Kate and Gordo, I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to join in. It's not easy to sit around people who seem to be having so much fun, and not have fun yourself. I felt left out. I felt like I had missed an opportunity that wouldn't come around again. Basically, I felt like a total dirk. I kept repeating to myself what a good thing I had done by refusing to smoke, but part of me was having a hard time buying that.

The three of us jumped simultaneously when there was a knock at the door. Kate quickly pushed her tray of pot paraphernalia under my bed, while Gordo's eyes filled with fear. "Who is it?" I asked, trying my hardest to sound normal. I wasn't exactly the best liar in the world.

"It's me," said my mother's voice. "Gordo's dad is here to pick him up."

"Okay, Mom," I said casually. "He'll be right down." All of us held our breath, and I could feel my palms getting sweaty. There was a pause.

"Is everything okay in there?" my mother asked.

"Yes!" Eek. Had I answered too quickly? Too strongly? I continued to wait nervously.

"All right, then." All of us exhaled in relief. "By the way, if you and Kate are going to watch that movie tonight, you need to go ahead and start it soon. I don't want you guys up all night keeping your dad and I awake."

"Sure thing, Mom." We heard her footsteps walking away from my bedroom, letting us know were in the clear. I was still shaking. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life.

Gordo bid us goodbye and left. I was incredibly scared for him. His dad was a psychiatrist, after all. Would he be smart enough to tell if Gordo was high? What if Gordo got caught? What if Gordo's dad called my mom and I got caught! And I didn't even do anything! My mind was racing through fearful thoughts, and it took me awhile to calm down. To my relief, my mother didn't receive any phone calls from Gordo's dad that night.

Kate and I popped a bag of popcorn and settled in on the couch to watch the movie we'd rented. It was Labyrinth, one of our favorite movies from when we were younger. Somehow, all my worries over the pot incident melted away as I sat curled up on my couch in the dark living room with popcorn and soda. The nostalgia of a childhood favorite, the rhythm of the storm outside, and the glow of the television were comforting and put me in a lulled, peaceful state.

"I'd forgotten how obscenely tight David Bowie's pants are," said Kate with a giggle. We were watching the wild-haired 80s star intimidate the young Sarah as she tried to stand up to him.

I couldn't help but laugh, too. "Yeah... somehow this movie isn't at all like I remember it. The danger and excitement seemed much more thrilling when we were nine."

She sighed. "Yeah. I agree. You wanna turn it off?"

I nodded. "I'd say we can find something else to entertain us... like, say, chocolate chip cookie dough icecream?"

The two of us darted to the kitchen without having to say another word. We took our icecream out onto the side porch and sat on the swing. We ate in silence, listening to the rain pounding on the metal awning. The breeze felt both warm and cold at the same time. I still had David Bowie's voice in my head, singing sensual power ballads.

I looked out at the rain-covered neighborhood wistfully. This was the same yard we had played in as small children, the same streets we were told not to run in. Kate was the same best friend I'd had back then, and here she was sitting next to me again. It was weird. So far, things between us had gone smoothly. There had always been a connection between us, and now that we were finally rebuilding that bond I felt like a huge burden had been lifted. I hated it when Kate and I were at each other's throats. I was so glad things were okay between us again.

But I was still worried. I wondered if things would ever be like they were before. In Rome, Kate had told me that once we got back everything would go back to the same middle school order: She would be popular, and I would be dirt. Well, that hadn't turned out to be true, but there was still high school to deal with. What if Kate started being a frigid ice queen again once school started? And what about Miranda? What if she wasn't willing to accept Kate? Was there really a chance for all four of us to be friends? What if, like our old favorite movies, some things just wouldn't be the same again?

These were the kinds of thoughts that had been ringing in my head all summer. High school was only a few short weeks away. It was an awful feeling, not knowing what to expect. I wanted to grow up and experience all the things that high school had to offer, but at the same time, I was afraid to leave my comfort zone. I wanted us to grow into different people, but at the same time, I was scared that changes might destroy our friendships. It was sort of like wanting to play in the rain, but not willing to face the inevitability of getting wet. I felt powerless against the hurdles that high school might put in front of me.

I glanced over at Kate, who was running her finger along the inside of her bowl and licking off the melted remains of her icecream. She seemed calm and content, and I could tell none of these stressing thoughts were running through her head like they were in mine. How could someone like Kate possibly worry about stuff like high school? She was always so fearless.

"Kate?" I found myself asking suddenly. She looked up at me. "Are you still... you know, high?"

She smiled softly. "Well, yeah... I mean, sort of," she said. I looked at her in confusion. "It's hard to explain, Lizzie. There's like the initial high, right? And when that's over you just sort of have this happy floating feeling for awhile before you come down."

"Oh." I nodded, even though I really didn't know what she was talking about. I suddenly felt like such a dirk for not joining in earlier. I mean, Gordo did it, and Gordo's like the perfect kid! But, no, I did the right thing, didn't I? Or maybe I should have tried it, at least once, so that I could have the experience under my belt? Oh well, what did it matter... I had already missed my chance...

"Is something wrong, Lizzie?" Kate asked with a concerned look on her face.

My breathing grew nervous. "Umm... No, nothing's wrong. I was just... ummm." I looked into her eyes for a moment, arguing with my conscience. My voice grew soft and timid. "I was just wondering if it was too late to, you know, try... try the stuff?"

Kate's eyes softened. "Sure, Lizzie. But, do you really want to?"

Aaaghh. Why did she have to ask that? Now I was second-guessing myself again. But, somehow, I found myself nodding with certainty. We went back upstairs to my room, and Kate retrieved her tray from beneath my bed. As she set it all up, I tried to remember everything she'd told Gordo. I thought maybe I could be cool by not having to be shown how to do it the right way. Once the pipe was in my hand, though I found myself utterly perplexed.

Kate explained everything to me, just as she had done for Gordo. I closed my lips around the pipe and inhaled, though it felt incredibly awkward. My throat burned and I felt slightly surreal as my lungs were filled with a foreign substance. I fought the desire to cough, making my eyes water slightly.

"Good, now hold it in for a sec," said Kate, watching me like I was toddler taking my first steps. Even when we were little kids, Kate was always a few steps ahead of the rest of us. She had a personality that screamed, "leader," and was always there to guide those of us who didn't grow up as quickly.

I did as I was told, and finally exhaled, coughing like crazy as I did so. My nerves felt instant relief now that it was over. "Did it work?" I asked over-urgently.

Kate laughed, and the blonde curls that cascaded well past her shoulders bounced. "Well, I don't know, did it?" Realizing the naivete of my own question, I laughed, too.

She took the pipe from my fingers and placed it between her own lips. She took her pink plastic lighter and held it too the end of the pipe. I felt glad that she was doing this with me, making me feel much less stupid. When she was done she passed it back to me. As I put the pipe back in my mouth, feeling slightly more confident this time, I could taste traces of Kate's peach lip gloss. The pipe moved back and forth between Kate and I for awhile; I'm not sure how long, because it was not long before I lost track of time. Nothing mattered at all any more, least of all time.

All that stress, the non-stop stream of worries and wondering that went on in my frazzled mind, was washed away. I was in a happy place. I suddenly didn't care about high school or Gordo's behavior or how I was going to hold the pieces of my world together Kate and I sat on my bed, laughing and talking about every little random thing as we ate from my jumbo bag of M&M's, and I couldn't think of any place in the world I'd rather be at that moment. The rain kept pounding outside, and its song made me all the more content.

I looked over at Kate, who was staring into space. "What are you thinking about?" I asked.

She grinned. "David Bowie's pants," she answered. The two of us burst into fits of laughter again.

"You crack me up, Kate. Kate. Kate." I was transfixed on her name, pronouncing it slowly and accenting each letter. "What a neat name. It's so... clean-cut and shaped just right. Like a neat little package that just... pops off your tongue. Kate. Like plate."

"You know what? I think you're pretty baked."

I laughed again. "Hey, that almost rhymes!" Kate raised an eyebrow at me and stared, as if I was a complete loser. I pouted and nudged her shoulder. "Oh, come on, laugh with me! Don't be a poophead, Kate. Kate."

It only took another moment before she started cracking up, too. "Man, I can't believe you just said 'poophead'. I love you, McGuire. You're so fresh."

I felt a rush of warmth inside me as Kate told me she loved me. I stopped laughing and leaned forward, hugging her. I buried my face in her soft shoulder. She smelled so nice... like mocha and rose. "Do you mean it, man?" My voice was muffled by my face being pressed up against her. "Do you really love me?"

She stretched her arms around me and patted my back comfortingly. "Of course I do. You're my best friend."

I pulled my head back and smiled at her. It's amazing how sometimes, all a person needs to ease their mind is to hear that they are loved. Okay, well, I suppose a decent portion of marijuana is also helpful, but that didn't change the fact that hearing those words made everything feel better. I looked at Kate's face, staring back at me with an expression that was strong and caring. Such strength in her face... Kate could do anything. For so long I had witnessed her strength, her charm, her beauty, all of it used for selfish purposes. But now, Kate was on my side again. At that very moment, I was resting in the arms of that strength and charisma, and that beautiful face was right in front of me.

I reached out and touched her face without thinking. Kate's expression grew puzzled, but she did nothing to stop me. I held her soft cheek in my hand. With my other hand, I traced my finger over her features. I ran it down her nose, across her cheek. I lightly brushed it over her eyelashes as I inspected her intriguing eyes. I moved over her cheekbone and down the side of her face, touching strands of golden hair. I felt the tiny clef in her chin, and circled around her soft pink lips. I could feel some of her sticky lip gloss on my finger, the same lip gloss I had tasted only minutes ago. It was strange and wonderful, having the freedom to explore her face. It was a face that I had known almost all my life, and yet had never really known at all.

As I touched the corners of her mouth, I could feel her breaths, moist on my fingers, grow shaky and unmetered. Something flickered in her eyes. Confused and concerned, I let go of her face. She sighed softly as I did so. I undid the top two buttons of her white collared blouse and reached beneath the clean cotton. I felt her warm flesh and the lace edge of her bra as I pressed my hand against her chest.

"Your heart," I said. "It's beating so fast."

She continued to gaze at me, as if searching for something. She retreated the arms she still had wrapped around me, and placed her hand on my chest. "Yours is, too."

Someone had to say something next, but neither of us would speak. I was too afraid to say anything; afraid I might end this amazing moment, and at the same time afraid I might make this moment more intense. I wanted her to speak, her to be the leader, the know-it-all like always. But she wouldn't. She only sat there watching me, her hand still placed against my heart. It was up to me to decide what happened next. People like me don't do well at deciding what happens next. I was just naive, uncertain Lizzie. The girl who always put one foot in front of the other, with no plan of action other than to simply cross my fingers and hope that I didn't stumble along my way.

"Kate?" Again, the name felt good rolling off my tongue. "Will you hold me again?"

She put her arms around me a second time. This time she held me closer and brushed her fingers through my hair. I shivered all over with each stroke, breathing in her scent and thinking that all this was almost too much too handle. Stop this, Lizzie, said a voice in my head. It was telling me that it's not supposed to feel this good when you're in the arms of another girl. I wasn't supposed to want this. Gordo was the best friend that I was supposed to inevitably fall in love with and share some warm moment like this with.

"Please don't let go of me," I said. I laid my head on her face, my cheek against hers. She was so warm, almost hot even. I rubbed my cheek against her, feeling my whole body tingle with the heat of the friction of our flesh. I felt her breathing lose control again, and my own breathing as well. It was too late to go back now. I wanted more of this.

I grabbed hold of her shoulders, squeezing our bodies tightly together. Her quickened breath and heartbeat were pulsing against me, and I felt lost in her rhythm the way I got lost in the sounds of rain. I brushed away her thick, blonde locks and slowly pressed my wet lips to the tip of her earlobe. She sighed in pleasure. I kissed at her ear gently, loving the feeling of her skin against my lips. There was so much of her. Every wonderful piece of her was unexplored, unknown to me. I never wanted to let go, never wanted to lose the foggy-headed blissful feeling I was experiencing.

My pulse sped up; I was shaking. Fear was bubbling inside me and threatening to take over. I suddenly felt the desire to cry. There was so much emotion in me. I was so happy, and so sad, and so afraid. I knew that there was something terribly wrong about all this, but my head was too clouded to think about those fears just then. All I knew was that Kate's embrace was the place I wanted to be. The effects of the pot were making me feel sleepy. I was too tired to be scared, and it was too easy to find comfort resting in her arms.

"It's so hard, Kate," I choked out. I was crying, I realized. I tried to shut myself up, but words and tears poured from me uncontrollably. I never was one to be cool-headed. I held on to her for strength. "Everything is so hard! And Gordo keeps looking at me, you know, he keeps looking at me like he... he wants me or something, and he keeps getting all sentimental whenever he talks to me and I just don't know what to do. I mean, I really like Gordo and he's my best friend and I kissed him in Rome and everything, but what does it all mean, Kate? Every time he gets close to me I start to freak out... and what if I don't fit in in high school? What if I, like, fall down on the first day of school in front of everyone. If I was beautiful like you this stuff wouldn't happen... and Miranda's going to come back and hate me for kissing Gordo and for smoking pot and for being your friend again, and my mom's going to find out and I'm going to get in so much trouble. And then I won't graduate and I'll never get to go to a good college..."

I kept babbling, sobbing, holding her, and generally making no sense at all. But Kate didn't seem to care. She didn't laugh or tease me the way she would have in middle school. She just kept saying everything would be okay, shushing me and rocking me slowly. I knew I was acting like a child, something the perfect Kate would never lower herself to do, but when she told me it would all be okay, I believed her. And making a fool of myself seemed to be worth it if it meant I could be that close to her.

When I was finished crying (it could been only a few seconds or it could have been half an hour; like I said, time was impossible to measure at that point), I finally brought myself to lift my head from Kate's shoulder. I stared into her face, that warm feeling washing over me again. I wanted to taste her. I wanted to lick the peach lip gloss from her lips. But there was a lurching feeling in the pit of my stomach as I wondered, did she want the same thing? A kiss was such a simple thing... it wasn't as sacred or earth-shattering as people made it out to be in the movies and stuff. I mean, Aaron freaking Carter had kissed me without a second thought, all because of a cheesy tradition. I had kissed Gordo, and it hadn't had any huge effect at all. I was a fairly experienced kisser at that point, and one thing I had learned (and had to accept with much disappointment) was that most kisses in life were utterly forgettable.

But to kiss those pink lips right in front of me would not be the same as other kisses. This kiss would be different, and the effects of it would be irreversible. I was considerably out of it, but I was clear-minded enough to know one thing: kissing Kate would change everything. Forever. I didn't know exactly what would happen, but I did know that there wasn't a chance of any take-backs.

I moved my face close to her. She didn't say anything. Our lips were centimeters apart; I felt her hot breath against my mouth. The tips of our noses were touching, and I was immediately reminded of eskimo kisses. "Eskimo kisses" was the name of a game we played in our early elementary years. Gordo, Miranda, Kate, and I would brush our noses together, squealing with rebellious delight, "eskimo kisses!" At that point in our lives, giving each other eskimo kisses was the extent of our scandalous behavior. And look where we were now: too grown up for our own good. Things... everything, really, were moving too fast for me. I wanted to be seven years old again, running around on the playground nuzzling my friends' noses, so that I wouldn't have to be there buried in all those straining thoughts.

I wished that I didn't have to kiss her. I wished I could have just known what it was going to feel like, what it was going to do to me, without actually having to do it. I wanted to stop all of it right then and there, and walk away. Go back to my comfort zone. I wanted to be back in middle school, where everything was simple and predictable and there was no problem that couldn't be solved within a day or two. But here she was. I had to know, I had to take a chance. I couldn't spend my whole life watching the rain from my window. I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least do something and see what would happen.

I parted my lips slightly and pressed them against Kate's mouth, timid at first. She dug her fingers into my hair as she delicately placed her lips into mine, like two pieces of a puzzle. It felt... comforting, I guess you could say, to be locked in her lips like that. She opened her mouth and I felt refreshing wetness around the edges of mouth. Her tongue swam back and forth inside my mouth, and my whole body was throbbing. She tasted like cookie dough ice cream, pot, and a salivating flavor that was simply Kate. I placed my hands firmly on her chest, feeling like I might fall over if I didn't have something to cling to. She smelled and tasted and felt so good.

We broke apart, gasping for air. The two of us sat pressed close together, not making eye contact, breathing hard onto one another. It seemed to both needed a moment to collect our thoughts.

"I won't forget that one," I said softly, more to myself than to her.

Kate nodded vaguely, but I could tell thoughts were still racing in her head. She looked at me, her blue eyes blanketed with uncertainty. "I don't know what to say," she said softly. For a moment, it seemed, she was searching in my eyes for something. A faint laugh escaped from lips, almost inaudible. She got off the bed and walked to my window, kneeling beside it and watching the world outside. The rainy breeze blew in and rippled through her hair. I assumed she needed a minute or two... or several to think. She must have known, like I did, that this changed things.

Had I done the right thing? As confusing as my world had been a few minutes ago, now it had moved into entirely new dimensions of insane. I sighed, moving back down to the floor where the pipe lay waiting on Kate's tray. Hoping I was doing everything the correct way, I helped myself to a few more hits. I still wasn't ready to come back down and face the bad feelings. I suppose things would have been simpler if I hadn't kissed Kate. Hell, they would have been much simpler if I had never even decided to experiment with pot. If I had just stuck to the ordinary order of things, I wouldn't have had to deal with all this.

But I didn't regret it. That kiss really was sacred and earth-shattering and amazing and everything they make it out to be in the movies. Okay, maybe not everything... but who wants a perfect kiss anyway? The newness and strangeness of it all was what made it worth it. I didn't know what would happen next; I never know what's going to happen next. I just waited, willing to take whatever it was.

I just wish there was some way to run in the rain without getting wet.


End file.
